I Ranted today

I am all involved in this lens thing at Squiddoo.com (link on the right) I started a new lens about being pissed off about PINK RIBBONS - Pink Ribbons make it seem like the Pretty Lady Cancer, but in actuality there are some things about his campaign that really make me see red.
So I copied and pasted the lens this time to see what would happen in here.
Well it may not be so nicely formatted, but I think it will work.
Can always see the proper page at Pink Rage

Breast Cancer is not Pretty Even in Pink

The pink ribbon campaign. Everyone knows it, everyone thinks it is a wonderful thing. In it's way, it is! It raises awareness, it lets everyone think about cancer and breasts and mammograms, and research, and early detection. What it doesn't talk about is the stuff that is happening to real women who are struggling through the disease. Pink does not make it any prettier and even though they did all the right things with early detection, to tests, to follow through - there are still women with Stage 4 breast cancer wondering how they fell through the cracks and are literally dying to find out.

Pink is not the cure

So you go through the tests, you have your yearly checkup, you find out if you have a family history and may start testing early. Everything checks out, you live in your safe little world knowing all the test say you are clear.
Then wait, one day in a shower, you find a painful lump that you know wasn't there yesterday, didn't show up on any tests, or other exams and has suddenly blossomed into an egg shaped painful addition to your breast.
Don't worry "they" tell you, probably a cyst, probably just dense breast tissue but ummm maybe an ultrasound, a couple of biopsies and an appointment with a surgeon and oncologist might be in order. First though, CT scans, Xrays, bone scans, heart scans - lets "see" what is going on.
Funnily enough I was just post radical mastectomy for "nothing" in October, Breast Awareness Month. I have never seen so much pink in my life, and friends and family being supportive contributed to this pink propoganda in more than one way. Don't get me wrong - I am grateful.
But there weren't any pink ribbons when I was diagnosed with a Stage 3 aggressive breast cancer that had spread to the lymph nodes.I began to realize that people triviliaze breast cancer, now that there is a ribbon. The ribbon says, yeah I am a survivor, or I know someone who is/was, or I contribute to the research and early detection campaign. Now What.

The research is out there, they change update and do trials frequently. If it weren't for the online Community Knowledge Base Breast Cancer Org. I would still be drowning in confusion, mix up and lack of knowledge.
The gals (my Breast Cancer Sisters) have all been there done that. Although it is a USA based organization, there are a lot of Canadian gals on that board looking or information, research, individual research and understanding but a lot are looking for emotional, and psychological support from home. The topics on the forums range from Just Diagnosed, to Circling the Wagons as another Angel leaves the forum to watch over the group.
The research is not THERE. Although things have improved in treatments, surgery, chemotherapy and radiation are still barbaric practices that women with breast cancer have no choice but to use.
As I stated it is an American group, and as I discuss later stage cancer with these ladies, and one of our "soldiers" has just recently passed away after a huge struggle of doing all the "right" things - it is determined that STILL 40,000 women each year, die of breast cancer. Where is the PINK in that? These gals (mostly end stage) are talking about having a "die in" in a political arena where it can demonstrate that Pink is not a cure, Pink is not the "Pretty" disease. Pink is still allowing many many women a year to die, many without treatment, many who have run out of treatment and even more who did have early detection and STILL are dying from the disease.
There is all kinds of facts and figures also on the BreastCancerOrg site. Thank heavens for this place.
All of the ladies on this discussion board have been there, done that and know how we ALL feel at certain points in the process. They flock to "newbies" to give support and encouragement. They help decipher those scary pathology reports. They virtualy hold your hand, while you go through scanic and wait for test results to know if you will live or die, or have treatment.
Statistics SUCK and they will be the first ones to tell you that YOU are not a statistic, and that you can beat the odds. They are more uptodate on the newest tests and treatments than even the physicians. You have to be your own advocate. What Doctor in his right mind says - "Oh its just a little lump, lets watch it" I don't THINK SO.
I Have to admit, once the lump was found I went through testing, diagnosis and testing pretty quickly comparatively speaking for the Canadian sector but even so - it took 5 weeks of waiting and testing to be told YES you have very aggressive cancer.
SO I turned to the pink stuff - information, hope, success, RIGHT? Nothing out there much that suggests anything of any help. Just gives you a flag to say, HEY I am a survivor. But am I?
I am a triple negative cancer gal. Sounds good right? WRONG - there are no follow up hormonal treatments afer chemo and radiation. It is just a waiting game to see if they find a new growth, recurrence and maybe it can spread to the bones in the meantime. So far, I have no spread past the lymph nodes, but have met women online with smaller, less invasive, less aggressive breast cancers that have already spread to liver, lung, bones and they didnt even have a lump that was found either by BSE, Mammogram or U/S.
SO I am mad, pink makes me see red. Even those with early detection are dying after grueling, horrible treatment regimes that take out your heart and soul. Of course there are those that live disease free for many years but it is always there.. the What If?
And although pretty, the pink campaign does not help real women get through the process. Suddenly I cant' work - ooops, who will pay my mortgage? who will pay the bills? No one chooses this disease, No one chooses to suddenly be laid up with no income and a household to manage. Where are those fundings, where is that assistance, who can drive me to treatment, how can I pay for the meds. How can I get through being maimed through surgery (I wanted it out of there, no question cut it off) But there is the fallout. The disease doesn't stop after early detection.
I am not the only woman that feels alone, even though there are support groups, family, friends but it is a very lonely process. I have to look in the mirror at my scar, at my bald head, at my growing steroid physical changes by myself.
Yeah, I can phone someone but its not the same is it? Where is that pink campaign that lets me go somewhere when I am too afraid to face another day.
Courage? Hell yeah. Blind Courage too. My fate is in the hands of medical professsionals.
Perhaps I havent' tapped into all the resources, I know that I may have to sell my house, move, get some government assistance to survive. WOW - worked nearly 35 years to be destitute and sick. Luck of the draw? Playing the cards dealt. No planning for my future could have seen this one coming.
PINK?????? well forgive my cyniscm. This is the real world. Pink doesn't put groceries on the table to feed our children. Pink doesn't provide me with any basic needs. Pink provides research for drugs and treatments that may only finally meet approval by the time I am long gone. Women are still dying by the thousands but that part is not talked about so much...
Bald is Beautiful
Early Days
The first buzz/shave after first chemo treatment.I think I was still feeling a bit positive then, new journey, new challenges.
I was not sad to lose my hair, I would like my eyelashes back now though!
Need to Vent

Another Moment?

How is it possible to still be a wet noodle today. The energy is low and I am weak. I know there is a light, I know there is a tunnel if only the floor would stop coming up to greet me.
7 days post chemo and I feel as if I should be "on the upswing". The Doctor told me it is a cumulative fatigue, that my blood counts will be out of whack, and that I will forever remember this as being the most tired I have ever been in my life.
My mind wants my body to be able to do and my body is truly not co operating. I know it's "normal" to feel this way during chemo. I know that I have to get through day by day until the next treatment. I also know and see why so many with a cancer diagnosis give up treatments. Seems the "cure" could be worse than the cause at times.
However, I spent my moments today working on ways to make money from home, especially with this energy level that really puts me down a peg or two.
I am learning about marketing a website, dropshipping, selling a product, and doing it all in small confines of a laptop by my bed. Actually, I love it. These are moments of exploration and understanding and when I finally figure out how to DO something, it is a triumph in my moment by moment world.
I am exploring facebook as a social tool as much as a marketing network tool. There are many small joys in each of those little discoveries as well. I put my little website link on there
Skin Care Beauty as well as my new lenses on Squiddo and I find that quite amusing really too. There I create Lenses about things I am interested in - and I can create a lens on nearly any subject in the world. I have one about Volcanic Ash Products, the skin care beauty line linked above. I Have one about Breast Cancer, and survival and moving forward. I even have one about how I hate the pink ribbon. Thats at
My Lenses. I have joined a couple of the groups, newsgroups, marketing groups and finding joy in each little discovery. I like this blogging thing too. Where Else can I tell myself what I have done and felt all day... hahaha. I think I will make more lenses, there is so much to talk about, feel about, think about. I think it would be cool if everyone had a lens. You could just look through it and find out everything about them. Of course it would work two ways.. *ahem*. So my moment for the day is discovery and exploration and slow, sure, small amounts. I think that is an accomplishment.
Maybe, just maybe - this will be the cathartic tool I need it to be.

Can you Really live in the Moment?

Most of my life, I have been told - stop and smell the roses, just live it day by day.
With events in my life happening, I was getting much better at that. Although I still wondered how I would pay the bills next month, or thought about someone's upcoming birthday; I was much better at just enjoying the day for the day. Or was I?
With skeletons in my closet, I had worked through and discarded a lot of things that got me to where I was - the freedom to be the real me, without hang ups, guilt, shame - but discovered over the last year that I still hung on to some of those old thoughtframes and mindsets. Like peeling back the layers of an onion, I found a deeper core or meaning to what was holding me back to be the true spirit that I am inside.
I mean, there are some physical restraints, you need food and water and such but I found that once I started UNcluttering both my physical, and emotional world - some clarity came forth about the magic of the moment. Living in the day.
I was a worrier to a degree - what if? But was getting to the point where - it's not going to be a problem today - so lets not even go there. I used to say or do - ohhh but I DID that.. Oh well? it's done now. If you can't undo it, change it, or re-create it, then you need to leave it where it was and discard it and perhaps even use the experience as a lesson for the next time you need it.
As I reach an age of maturity, where I was looking to really find out why I felt I "couldn't" be who I am and felt held back and cloistered from the true me expression - I began this process of being honest, examining my wants in the here and now. Short term goals ...sure... even some long time dreams but nothing that would stop me from enjoying the moments that I have at the moment.
Its hard to express really what that means but as I was looking for clarity and asking for it within, I got a good dose.
Life was stressful, busy, and I had projects on go all over the house (uncluttering the physical), basement floods, concrete problems, work related projects and problems, teenagers, relationships on all degrees. But I tried to enjoy each moment for what it was or at the very least, take the experience of mopping up flooded basements as an exercise in patience after the fact.
My life was changing, my attitude was moving along, I was becoming much more positive and I felt more confidence and faith in myself, knowing that I would do the "right" things as they needed to be done and when they arose.
July 9th, 2007 - I found a lump in my right breast whilst having a shower. Suddenly, I was forced to not live anywhere BUT the moment. I had to take steps, make plans, arrange appointments in the physical world but my mind was constantly IN THE MOMENT of what I was doing. I had to focus on just the one thing at a time or I would go crazy. My day planner filled up with obligations, scans, dr's, biopsies, and eventually a right radical mastectomy for starters.
Each moment became A moment. Experiences that had never been had before. So that waking up each day was a brand new moment. Waking up with a smile - oh no pain today - time to get up and get ready for work and enjoying the process in a way that allowed me NOT to worry, or fret about this test or that test. And then experiencing each of these moments for what they were and trying to keep up with the whirlwind journey around me.
I think of this living in the moment today, because now - undergoing chemotherapy sometimes is like living in the second. I am searching my heart and spirit today to find this moment, to get through some of the trials of today and to experience the effort it takes to even write it all down. It's amazing, the thoughts flow, the memories flourish, the treatment is ongoing and I am focused on typing, finding a way to express this moment - one that is allowing me freedom and comfort and away to continue uncluttering all the "other stuff" that is attached to malignant stage 3 aggressive breast cancer.
Am I ready or preparing for death? Not really although the thoughts have been quite prevalent over the last few months. I am getting through today, and appreciating the moments though and being fully in each one of them. Dying is not on my agenda today, so typing, writing, meditating, and taking care of my body while it tries to heal is.

And so it Starts

The very beginning, the middle and the end all in one space. Learning, searching, researching, finding, discovering. The journey.